Friendship is something everyone values and appreciates, but there are times when friendships end. Stoicism can provide an answer to why that happens and what being a friend should truly mean.
To know how stoics view their friends, we should aim first to reach the meaning of friendship in stoic philosophy. We will start with the premise that humans are social beings, and therefore, in order for one to function the other is needed.
Fulfilling a basic universal need
Our social connections can be built on many terms, and one of those which is grounded in love and respect – is friendship.
Following from the first premise, that humans are social beings, one can say in stoic terms that individual minds are bound together sharing the same purpose (as social and natural beings). Accordingly, stoics emphasize that this purpose in question reflects Nature’s Law.
Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man’s two hands, feet or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature’s law – and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.
Marcus Aurelius
Being true to yourself
We will now turn to the stoic concept of friendship to shed light on the basic conditions for its existence. For that matter, we need to get some insight on how stoics view the role of friends in our development as humans. Epictetus can lead the way:
Above all, keep a close watch on this— that you are never so tied to your former acquaintances and friends that you are pulled down to their level. If you don’t, you’ll be ruined. You must choose whether to be loved by these friends and remain the same person, or to become a better person at the cost of those friends . . . if you try to have it both ways you will neither make progress nor keep what you once had.
Epictetus
In this passage, Epictetus considers the idea of friendship related to personal growth, where one can harm the other if not examined closely. It is only natural, that some people’s minds can mature faster and become more independent in the process. But, the question which arises is: Are we morally obligated to those whom we leave behind, those whom we called “friends”? Are we good friends if we let go of it according to Epictetus? This might be one of the ethical problems a stoic can face.
Epictetus allows us to choose between those options, which means that we can’t hold both. But, what bothers us is the first sentence which justifies moral irresponsibility towards the other because the other can drag us down to their level. I think this is contradictory actually. The question is this: is it easier for the wise to raise the uneducated, or is it easier for the uneducated to bring the wise down to their level?
So far, the quality of friendship depends, not so much on love and true commitment, but on the true nature of the minds. Marcus Aurelius provides us with a vivid example:
There’s nothing worse than a wolf befriending sheep. Avoid false friendship at all costs. If you are good, straightforward, and well-meaning it should show in your eyes and not escape notice.
Marcus Aurelius
We can assume that Epictetus thought the same in the abovementioned quote when he says “former friends”, nevertheless, it seems that a true friend, according to stoic, should be in accordance with our own nature – minds that think alike.
Knowing who your real friends are
The necessity of circumstances proves friends and detects enemies.
Epictetus
This is known as the test of friendship. If circumstances are bad enough, only the true friends, people who love you will stand by your side, supporting you with advice or sometimes rebuking you if you need it .
Seneca enters into this subject more broadly and systematically:
He who regards himself only, and enters upon friendships for this reason, reckons wrongly. The end will be like the beginning: he has made friends with one who might assist him out of bondage; at the first rattle of the chain such a friend will desert him. These are the so-called “fair-weather” friendships; one who is chosen for the sake of utility will be satisfactory only so long as he is useful…He who begins to be your friend because it pays will also cease because it pays. A man will be attracted by some reward offered in exchange for his friendship, if he be attracted by aught in friendship other than friendship itself.
Seneca
Friendships can’t suffer selfishness and double standards, nor it can dwell on utility and usefulness. Seneca goes on to emphasise a deeper connection founded on love and commitment:
For what purpose, then, do I make a man my friend? In order to have someone for whom I may die, whom I may follow into exile, against whose death I may stake my own life, and pay the pledge, too.
Seneca
Seneca’s attitude towards friendship is similar to those of Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, however, Seneca emphasizes the emotional bond on which the friendship is made. For further reading we certainly recommend Seneca’s work: Letters from a Stoic.
How would a stoic then pick a friend? Well, the answer to this question lies in simple quote by Zeno:
All the good are friends of one another.
Zeno of Citium
Zeno’s universal statement alludes to the goodness of mind and heart, which lies in every person. As a result, every human being is gifted with reason, and holds the potential to be a great friend. We can strive to reach that so we can become good friends to others and to choose our friends wisely.
