In this article we will talk about why it is not a virtuous thing to speak about ourselves too much, and how it can potentially harm us if we do.
Have you ever noticed how dull and exhausting it can be to constantly listen to one person talking about themselves? I’m sure you can think of at least one person in your life who cannot participate in a conversation without making themselves the main character. Nobody is really interested in listening to someone’s life plans, adventures, job, hobbies, etc. all the time.
When I was at university, I had a colleague who couldn’t stop talking about himself. I listened to his problems with his girlfriend and friends, his exams, his traveling plans, what he did in his spare time and so on. Some time passed and he began to notice that I was not that interested in his life story. Meanwhile, he found another colleague and continued his story with them. Now, that doesn’t mean I had bad feelings towards him; I just felt exhausted every time he talked about himself.
Afterward those encounters, I came up with a basic rule of communication. To have a decent conversation, you must have at least two subjects and a theme. In the example above, we had only one subject, which was my colleague. I was merely a spectator. The theme was him talking about himself. However, that theme is one-sided and does not offer enough content for both subjects to enjoy the conversation.
If one ego is too big and swollen, then the other must be proportionally smaller. Such behavior results in others feeling repulsion towards our stories and presence, and it is only a matter of time until these people distance themselves from us. Speaking too much about ourselves can ultimately lead to us ending up alone.
To avoid this, we need to be in control of our ego and refrain from speaking too much about ourselves, both for the sake of our listeners and ourselves. To learn how to accomplish this control, we must first address Stoic philosophy and what it can teach us about this subject.
Stoicism and the Self-centered Speaker
Stoicism is a philosophy of self-control and self-guidance. It can help individuals reflect on their mistakes and help them to improve. Reflecting on yourself is crucial in this matter, because it shows you how to deal with yourself and others.
It is true that it’s quite enjoyable to share your experiences, advancements and successes with others. We can also feel relief when we share our troubles, fears and negative experiences. Afterall, the experiences of others can help us in our own struggles and insecurities. Nonetheless, when speaking about ourselves, we need to think about balance and understand when enough is enough. The length of our self-expression should have boundaries and we should always be wary that our conversations don’t turn into monologues. Epictetus expressed this point effectively:
“In your conversation, don’t dwell at excessive length on your own deeds and adventures. Just because you enjoy recounting your exploits doesn’t mean that others derive the same pleasure from hearing about them.”
Epictetus
A self-centered speaker often inflicts boredom on their listeners. This is because the self-centered speaker assumes that if their impressions are enjoyable and pleasurable to them, then it must be enjoyable to others too. This is a key example of egocentric behavior, which is presumably underlined with vanity.
Such conduct is harmful to our character, because we forsake virtue when we constantly talk about ourselves. The particular virtue that is missing here is temperance. To practice temperance in conversation you must be aware that the other is an active interlocutor and not merely a listener.
There are many subjects that are more interesting than your impressions and experience. Minds should be equally connected in order to share enjoyable content. Having a conversation on different ideas and events that are not related to your experience can prove beneficial for both sides. Topics such as music, art, exercise, philosophy, science, and many others are worthy of our time as they can capture our attention and teach us something new. In these cases, the more we share the more we learn.
Meditation: Self-tempered Speech
Sometimes we are unaware of the time we spend talking about ourselves. One subject or experience can trigger another memory, which can lead to another subject and so on. To become more aware of ourselves in conversations, we will look at some advice derived from Stoic philosophy. These tips will help you maintain self-control and temperance when speaking about yourself.
First, you should pay more attention to the length of your discussion. In common conversation, our attention span is not very long. Be careful that your conversation doesn’t turn into an exhausting monologue. Also, be aware of social cues from your listener that indicate they may be bored.
Second, pay more attention to the interlocutor. Ask him or her questions to engage them in the conversation and allow them a chance to share their own experiences in turn. This way, you can learn about some interesting things about them and avoid boring them with your story. You should also focus on themes that are enjoyable for both of you. For example, if they have no interest in sports then perhaps don’t tell them all about the sports game you saw on the weekend.
By paying more attention to yourself and the interlocutor, you will improve your social skills and simultaneously advance your character. Your empathy and compassion will also become sharper, and your knowledge may be expanded. The path of temperance and self-awareness is one every Stoic would recommend, and one that we should all strive for as social beings.
