In this article, we will learn how a Stoic would deal with insults. Their insights can help us remain “cool” in difficult situations.
Insults can be hard to deal with, especially if you are having a bad day. Being insulted can have varying consequences, ranging from petty quarrels to physical violence. The potential consequences are only made worse when we aim to return the insult in the same measure. Insults are especially hard to handle when our ego or pride are targeted by the insult. In order to help ourselves, we should suspend our ego as much as possible.
I would like to share my recent experience on this subject when a stranger commented on one of the first articles I wrote. He left a comment saying that the writer (me) didn’t cite any academic papers in the article, which are supposedly very important if one wants to learn about Stoic philosophy; therefore, the article was bad.
This comment had the potential to insult me a lot, because I take myself and my work very seriously. However, what this stranger failed to notice was that the purpose of the article wasn’t academic. Instead, the article is for people who are new to philosophy and want to implement it into their lives. By focusing on the facts, I was able to disregard this comment and remain cool-headed. In this moment, I was reminded of a fitting quote from Marcus Aurelius:
“Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed, and you haven’t been.”
Marcus Aurelius
What is the Nature of an Insult?
Being insulted depends on us alone. If we allow ourselves to feel insulted, we will be for sure. We can’t avoid others’ actions or words, but we can learn to control our reaction to them. But how is that possible? If someone throws an insult at you, how can you choose to be unaffected by it?
To answer that, you must look closely at whether insults exist objectively. Can you throw an insult at anything? Can you see an insult? The answer is obviously no. Then why are insults so effective at impacting us if they don’t physically exist? This is because insults only exist subjectively in our minds. Our mind forms a negative impression of the insult, which we then consider harmful to our wellbeing. However, if we strip away the negative meaning from an insult, it will become nothing more than empty words.
“Remember that it is we who torment, we who make difficulties for ourselves — that is, our opinions do. What, for instance, does it mean to be insulted? Stand by a rock and insult it, and what have you accomplished? If someone responds to insult like a rock, what has the abuser gained with his invective?”
Epictetus
Therefore, our reaction to an insult determines the magnitude of the impact. If we react impulsively, that means the magnitude of the insult is stronger and we are open for additional provocations. However, if we react mindfully and in a calm way, or if we do not react at all, then we minimize the magnitude of the insult or render it non-existent.
Meditation – Take a Deep Breath…
When facing a situation where you have been insulted, try to suspend your response for a few seconds. Don’t think about the insulter or even yourself; instead, empty your mind for a moment and take a deep breath. Then consider that retaliation would not do anything other than prolong the exchange of insults and bring down your mood. Furthermore, you might say things you don’t actually mean in such an unmindful state.
If you anticipate that someone will offend you (for example, you have to meet with someone with whom you are not on the best terms) then you can prepare yourself for that situation by imagining possible outcomes in order to prevent them. You can also perceive insults from a state of mindfulness. Insults mean nothing; they are only words. Look closely at the person who is trying to offend you and consider how you value that person. Afterall, why should you value the words and opinions of another person if you don’t value that person.
With all those things in mind, you can prepare yourself to remain calm and come up with a mindful comeback, which in the best case is no comeback at all.
